Thursday, July 1, 2010

Doctors visit

I just returned from MD Anderson. My appointment did not go the way I had planned, it was a sucker punch to the kidneys. My immune system has yet to fully develop leaving me vulnerable to infection. A common cold can put me back in the hospital for weeks. I received my second round of vaccinations, six shots in both arms. The doctor explained it in basic terms. My body is like that of a baby just receiving their shots. My body can not yet defend itself. I have more prescriptions to help develop my immune system while also protecting me from infections. The punch to the kidneys came when he told me it would be at least three months before progress is shown. That's ninety days and there is no guarantee that it will be ready than. He sent in a grief counselor who talked to me and tried to prepare me for the fact that in real time I may be looking at 2 years from date of transplant before my body can protect itself and I am able to function properly on a regular basis.

Sitting in my truck in the parking lot my arms went numb from the shots. Than tears rolled down my eyes, I could not stop. I was screaming and punching the dashboard like a madman. My life has been put on pause. How much longer can this go on? I am the house guest you invited over for the weekend that's yet to leave. I am a grown man with intelligence and skills, I am not supposed to be a burden. I asked what would happen if I stop listening to his orders and quit the meds and resume my life. He said that he would not be able to see me. I asked why he said that the last infection I had in October put me in the hospital for 3 weeks. The next infection (Graft Versus Host Disease) would most likely take my life. Dying from the inside out. By the time I felt any pain or showed signs of sickness the infection would have taken control of my body by than there would be little that could be done to reverse it. That's when he brought in the counselor to explain the severity of the situation.

I am still trying to put all this in perspective. The tears stopped (a George Strait CD can be the best medicine sometimes) and now I need to come up with a game plan. I will continue my volunteer work with the Blood Bank, I am scheduled to work the blood drive in Willowbrook tomorrow. I opened my email to find that I have been asked to be the keynote speaker at a meeting for Andarko Petroleum to explain the importance of blood donors. That made me feel pretty good. I might not get paid but I will work at educating and sharing the effects of my disease with others.!/group.php?gid=126178420738609 This is the link to a group page I started on Facebook. Please take a moment to look and maybe become a member. I was sharing information and will begin offering different books and literature on different forms of cancer as well as promoting blood drives. Read some of the entries and if you can, help me share it. There is a discussion section that I welcome people to use. I have amassed a wealth of knowledge over the last few years and obtained excellent information from the University of Texas Medical Library. There is no cost for any reading materials just let me know what you would like and I will mail it to you. If you have reading material that you are no longer using I will gladly take it off your hands. I can share it online as well as find a good home for it by donating it to the MDA library.

This keyboard and you have helped keep my sanity. Not long ago I would be somewhere with a big bottle of Jack Daniels and a cup of ice feeling sorry for myself. Drowning your sorrows doesn't work, I've tried. Those "sorrows" can swim, they will not drown, they keep floating back up, no matter how much Jack you feed them. And Jeiger Bombs just make you stupid. So I sit here and thank God that I am here. This has been a journey not one I would have chosen had I been given the opportunity but it is mine and I must make something productive of it.

Thank you for reading, I needed this.

1 comment:

  1. Roger I am so sorry for your bad news :(

    I am however very glad to hear you are not giving up, not drowning your sorrows and more than anything else I'm glad you are alive to have to deal with this disappointment. I know your recovery cannot come fast enough, but when it does come all of this will fade away like a bad dream as you move forward with your life.

    Hang in there Roger. We're hanging in with you.