Tuesday, August 24, 2010

New parts

If this font looks large to you it is because it is. By the time I get back to work this 40 something body is going to have newer parts than my 15 year old pick up truck. I just had a stem cell transplant, thats where they drain all the fluids getting all the old stuff out of your system ie. blood and replacing it with a new better operating system. Now that I think about it chasing 21 year olds aint that bad. Heck, I was born again in March of 2009. Now that the motor starts working looks like the vision might need a new windshield. The crazy part is now I need a new right hip. The steroids that saved my life fighting my last graft versus host disease deteriorated my right hip bone. I need a new one, quick. Checking eBay want it candy apple red, in titanium with a small diamond in the middle. Might as well make it bullet proof and add hydraulics. I definitely want it to turn 360 degrees, that would be so cool.

In all honesty I am scared out of my mind, I have cried, held back tears and bit my tongue til it bled. I do not know what the future holds, that will be discussed the 2nd of next month with an orthopedic surgeon.

I know I feel like I did something really bad before and must continue to fight for my life. Cancer (MDS at that, a rare form), infections, Diabetes, now fluid in my hip. I am a poster child for fund raising. My windows do not go down in my truck and I have no A/C. I should be in the hospital soon for heat stroke if I keep driving it. But I do not think they will change my compressor or thermostat for heat exhaustion.

I am not the first to say it nor will I be the last but "Cancer Sucks". It is not a tragic novel you read only to find the prince to save the fair maiden. It is not a trilogy, but a comprised set of lifes offerings. The cards you are dealt, the only distance is this is for more than money or a bracelet and I can not "FOLD" I have to play what has been dealt. Because every hands a winner, its just a matter of how you play that hand. My cards will be dealt on the 2nd and it may be my "all in moment" but like my baby girl told me on the phone, we have come to far, we beat cancer. My baby is my ROCK. She put me in check and dried my tears. I taught her to play Texas Hold 'em on the beaches of Southwest Florida when I go get these new cards she will be at my side. We play pretty good together, its been a while but it's like riding a bike. A beat-up one.

My cousins have opened their hearts and home to me since before this began. I was hoping to be at work first week of October. I really am turning into Alan from "Two & 1/2 Men"

Thursday, August 12, 2010

So tired of being tired

"Out of the deep depths of misfortune comes bliss. " Author unknown

sac·ri·fice /ˈsækrəˌfaɪs/ Show Spelled [sak-ruh-fahys] noun, verb, -ficed, -fic·ing.

the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

I find it hard to hang on some times. I am at the peak of the mountain trying to climb and make it to the top, but I am hampered by mother nature. To let go now would mean certain death. Yet the peak seems so far.

I have trapped myself into a form of isolation. Going what I went through runs you through the gamut of emotions. Its seems most have been spent and I still have two months until I see my doctor. How soon will I get my life back? As time passes I find other complications, my left leg has a searing pain that run for about five minutes every time I stand on. I need a cane but vanity will not allow it. I have yet to see a man wear a hard hat and depend on a cane. Therefore I grit my teeth and hobble along.

Trying to balance a budget when you do not have an income makes things difficult some things are mandatory, gas in the truck, hygiene products, food but than there are the ones you have to weight the importance of. Medicines versus paying phone bill (phone bill, lost this month. Please do not think I am ignoring you, it's just that it is a luxury I can not afford at this time. The future looks less bright with payments going to Medicare part A & B. If my cousins did not allow me to live in a room in their home I am sure I would have eaten the 40 plus bottles of prescriptions along with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

My family loves and cares for me but here I am allowed to walk into this room and stick my head in the pillows and cry til I fall asleep. My cousin is fighting her own battle with cancer. She and I were inseparable growing up and now in the prime of our lives we are diagnosed with this. She was the model patient/warrior facing chemotherapy and radiation on a daily basis. I went with her once to a treatment and she asked for little and fought through what ever pain she had. Her vitality and love of life are contagious.

October 5 is when I go to MD Anderson. I hope for a clean bill of health, I am taking my prescriptions and trying to eat better. But the sleep patterns continue to cause havoc. I am wide awake 40 minutes past midnight.

The 28th of this month I will be hosting a blood drive at Gabby's on Telephone. Donors saved my life and most donate on a regular basis. I want this time to be special I would like to offer some type of goodie bag to express my thanks. So I am asking for help in that department. Anything you could share would be great. Monetary donation are going to pay for catered lunches. If this means my tools and laptop go back to the Pawn Shop than so be it. This is important to me. It is also the closest date I could get to the Birthday of my sister. She gave me life, I need to give back.